Archive for not pup-safe

The Celebrated Art of Shaking Your Ass – I Mean, Singing

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on January 27, 2014 by conservativewerewolf

Beyonce.  You have a great butt.  That doesn’t mean I want to see that much of it.

I know, I’m a curmudgeon.  “You can’t give a good vocal performance without giving a lap dance in a revealing outfit, you know.  And a truly inspired performance requires grotesque facial expressions,” said the modern western world, which, I hear, used to put out some pretty impressive art, literature and music.  Now it just puts out.

I would like to see more big-name female singers act as if they expect to be taken seriously without wearing thong-type getups in front of other people.  But perhaps, in  Beyonce and Miley’s defense, that expectation would be unreasonable; maybe quality is boring and needs a little used-to-be/should-be taboo behavior to spice it up.  [Or, in Miley’s case, maybe quality is too difficult to achieve.  I don’t know – maybe she sucks on purpose, like most pop singers these days, who want to sound modern or distinctive or nasal-as-fuck for no good reason.]

Why can’t women just sing songs?  Why can’t we just be happy with them singing songs?  Why do we need them to degrade themselves??

I remember learning about this feminism thing in school.  I thought back then that it was about equality.  It turns out it’s about providing males with the most explicit images of ourselves we can conjure (don’t freak – it’s ART), so they’ll pay attention to us, oh God, please, just pay attention to us – but don’t be OBVIOUS about staring at our boobs, you pigs! …all the while insisting that it’s just another form of self-expression, and how dare you question our motives.

Girls, I don’t care if you look like Beyonce or Lena Dunham or Jay Leno: Stop.  You can display your talents and be successful and sassy and whatever else you want without behaving like the world is your own personal pornography.  Have some standards.  They don’t have to be that high, but they could easily be higher.  Just do art and stop begging us to look at your asses by acting in such a way that NO ONE CARES THAT MUCH ABOUT YOUR ART ANYMORE because they’re all talking about your ass because you won’t stop mooning us.  You don’t have to try that hard!  If you have an ass, people will look.  Trying too hard isn’t sexy – it’s repulsive, pathetic and degrading.


Stupid Women: Stop being terrible people and making the rest of us look like monsters

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on February 16, 2012 by conservativewerewolf

Yes, I wandered into THAT part of teh Interwebs again and found myself at a website for women.

Generally, I really fucking hate any media geared toward women.   Lifetime TV? Horrific tales of child abduction and abuse that the occasional episode of Designing Women does not make up for.  The View?  All I hear is *cackle cackle SCREEECH*  Jezebel?  Tacky women bitching about the patriarchy trying to control their bodies or some crap.

How can a woman so detest entertainment made specifically for her?  Because it isn’t actually made for me – it’s made for stupid crazy whores by people who either are stupid crazy whores themselves, or believe the majority of women are stupid crazy whores.

This delightful little number about women’s top three sexual fantasies was presumably written by a woman (Tracey COULD be a man’s name, or perhaps a nom de plume) who needs to learn to keep some things to herself.  Women, apparently, most fantasize about the following three scenarios:

1) “He’s a virgin – and you’re Mrs.  Robinson.”

2) “He’s your sex slave.”

3) “You’re abducted by a stranger.”

Let’s address these one by one.

1) You say “The Graduate,” but I think of this.  The author describes that the male in the scenario is supposedly thinking “What will his mom say if she finds out?”  Uh, if a guy is worried about what his mom is gonna think, just how old is he supposed to be?  This is NOT APPEALING.  Oh, and if you like this and you’re a teacher, quit your job.  Now.

Or, maybe I’m just weird for liking fully grown men, or for not getting off on making others uncomfortable by playing immature power games.

2) Yeah, um, change that “he” to a “she” and tell me if it’s still hot.  Most of us wouldn’t put up with this shit from men – can I get some constancy, please? I would hope no one would find it appealing either way, because sexual slavery is not something sane people fantasize about.

Sane people also don’t sit around and plan out shit like this:

“Start by ordering him to do small tasks ‑- get you a drink, fluff up the pillows, give you a foot massage. Don’t ask, order. Make it clear that you are the boss and he is not to misbehave or he’ll be punished (think of a mild punishment beforehand, like spanking him with the wooden spoon). Try to keep an expressionless face. No Are you okay?, Did I hurt you?, Are you sure you’re enjoying this?This isn’t about him ‑- it’s all about you!”

Okay, how many issues can we name here?  Hedonism, narcissism bordering on solipsism… It gets worse, but if you want to read it, you can do so over at iVillage – I ain’t pasting any more of that bullshit here.

3) Ah yes, the rape fantasy.  Honestly, if you find this appealing, please either go to therapy, or find a better therapist.  Although, I will admit I have fantasized about being abducted – and beating the SHIT out of my abductor, thereby saving not only myself but his would-have-been future victims.  Yeah, that’s the Conservative Werewolf kind of abduction fantasy!

Anyone who’s into this crap is a sick puppy, and anyone who would publish this crap should be publicly shamed.  Why on Earth anyone would praise twisted sexual power games is beyond me.  (I thought we were supposed to be promoting equality between the sexes!  Silly me!)  Between this and the junk that passes for rom-coms these days, I’m starting to wonder if people aren’t actively trying to kill romance.

Yeah, werewolves can be romantic.  Humans?  Maybe, but right now y’all are really sucking at it.

Fuck this – I’ma go watch “You’ve Got Mail.”

And now, children: Bestiality

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on October 24, 2011 by conservativewerewolf

Now, when you’re exercising your right to express yourself sexually, and you make the decision to have sex with an animal, here’s what you need to know:


Go straight to therapy (or better, yet, church), give your pets to people who only screw humans, and make sure not to go within fifty feet of a pet store, dog park, or similar area.

There.  Covered.  Done.

“EW, Conservative Werewolf!  Thanks for that image!  Did you have to bring that up?”

Well, no – and neither do your kids’ sex-ed teachers.  But in NYC, students are directed to a “website run by Columbia University, which explores topics such as sexual positions, porn stars, and bestiality.”

Gotta know your porn stars.  That’s much more relevant information than American presidents or algebra.

“But they’re going to look it up online anyway!”  Okay.  Then why do schools need to suggest it?

This “but they’re going to do it anyway” mentality leads to the above – sex-ed content determined by the most depraved among us.  It’s not impossible to teach kids about STI transmission and risks without going overboard and desensitizing them to things that aren’t ever going to be safe (remember GLSEN’s “fisting” seminar for young people?).

And what does our always child-friendly Department of Education say about this? “The Department of Education says the curriculum ‘stresses that abstinence is the best way to avoid pregnancy and STD/HIV.'”  OH, isn’t that NICE.

“In August, Deputy Mayor Linda Gibbs commended the return of mandatory sex ed, saying the DOE wants to give students the correct information about sexual activity if they do choose to engage in it.”

This “it’s your choice” attitude always creeped me out in high school sex-ed.  I was disturbed that the adult instructing us had abdicated her role as the ADULT in the room not only by refusing to make fact-based judgments on risky behavior, but also by discussing sexual behavior as being COMPLETELY divorced from love, romance and respect.  “Expressing oneself sexually” was the term for a loveless hookup that resulted in an STI transmission.  It was supposed to be a cautionary tale, but it reinforced the current view (put forth by pop-culture, the media, and now schools) that sex is casual, and just another way to have fun.  Yeah, it has been that way for an increasing number of people lately… and now, STIs that were nearly eradicated in the US half a century ago are common.  HMM.

“Well, if kids would just use condoms, it wouldn’t be that way!”  Or MAYBE if sex-ed was actually explicit about the STIs condoms DON’T protect against, it wouldn’t be so bad.  But don’t worry about those facts, kids.  Go have your fun.

That of course is the implicit message, not the explicit message: “‘We want to help kids to delay the onset of sexual activity, and if they choose to engage in sexual activity, to do it in a healthy way,’ [Deputy Mayor Linda Gibbs] said.”  HEALTHY way???  When they’re only kids???

You wanna help, lady?  How about teaching them that the pursuit of pleasure for pleasure’s sake when it could result in genital warts is a bad idea?  Are you really so afraid of making a judgment about something so obvious?  You could back that assertion up with condom failure rates.

Or maybe you could tell kids that hooking up with that super cute someone may “feel right” because they’re thinking with the amygdala, not the under-developed pre-frontal-cortex?  That’s right – there’s a reason teenagers do such risky things!  They CAN make good choices, yet so often they DON’T – and these sex-ed program developers are not supporting teens in making healthy choices.

How about addressing the fact that men and women’s brains are significantly different, and that there’s a reason why sex can make women feel all emotionally attached, even when they don’t want to?  It happens in their brains, and if some guy screws them and ditches them, chances are while he’s out chilling with his buds the next day, she’s listening to depressing music and feeling like shit.  (Of course, the feminists would probably just turn that fact into some man-hating crap, instead of teaching boys about respecting women – that could lead to discussions on chivalry, and we can’t have that.  Gender roles and all.  Terribly oppressive.  Really, just very bad – unlike sleeping with someone whose sexual history you haven’t verified.  That’s okay, as long as it’s your decision and you use a condom.  And if it breaks?  Well… you should go get tested.)

*shakes head*

Asking these people to make sense is like asking a werewolf to wear ballet flats (the claws poke right through).

No, that didn’t make any sense, either, did it? 😛

This does, though.

Because Guys Can’t Figure This Out Themselves

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 5, 2011 by conservativewerewolf

Tacky?  Yes, but that’s to be expected these days.

At least no trees were killed to publish the AOL/HuffPo article that encourages men to pleasure themselves to “discover what stimulates [them].”

The men of the world thank you, AOL/HuffPo – that bit of advice was too obvious for them to think of themselves.   “I wonder,” Jim Bob said to himself, “what kind of information I could gain by engaging in such an activity.  Would it be worth the effort?  Perhaps I should study on this a bit longer.  I think I’ll see if there’s anything at AOL/HuffPo on this topic – I so often find it challenging making personal decisions without their assistance.”

Creepy Safe Schools Czar Out

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on June 21, 2011 by conservativewerewolf

And not a moment too soon.

While Conservative Werewolf disciplines the animal within, Kevin Jennings and GLSEN crew teach teens how to put their fists up each other’s anuses.  Perhaps they use the rationale that the kids are going to do it anyway, and they should be taught how to do it safely…

…wait, what the fuck?  Even werewolves don’t do that shit.  And you humans thought we were a problem!