Where are the Women in Middle Earth?

Oh, they’re there.  Being in charge (Galadriel).  Being inspirational (Arwen).  Being ALIVE, somehow, despite all that Mordor Orc death-dealing crap (all the women, including Hobbit women, like Rosie Cotton).  Being evicted from their homes by a dragon (the Dwarf women who made it out).  Being silverware-thieves (Lobelia Sackville-Baggins).  Being ON A HORSE (Eowyn).

But they aren’t there enough, whines some person who wrote this article for Time: “Tolkien seems to have wiped women off the face of Middle-earth.”

Um, wrong.  I would love to dismiss the entire article for that bit of foolishness alone, but I am so very annoyed by the continuing demands of modern people that women kick just as much physical ass, just as often, as men.

Look, article-author-person, if YOU want to go quest through Orc-infested lands, poop on the ground, and not bathe for weeks, with meeting a CRANKY DRAGON as your goal, be my guest.

Meanwhile, I’ll be chilling in civilization, planning the menu for the return feast, assuming the valiant questers do in fact return with their innards intact.

While I would be honored to fight beside this sexy manly man, I would much rather make him a sandwich.

While I would be honored to fight beside this sexy manly man, I would much rather just make him a sandwich.

It’s not that I couldn’t slay Orcs… but why should I when the men are willing to do it for me?  If I really wanted to, I could make like Eowyn, and you know, just do it.  But I don’t want to.  Most women don’t want to.  Are you really gonna piss on Tolkien for understanding that?

Yes, she is, and not only Tolkien, but every other author/creator who ever wrote an adventure story featuring mainly male characters (she even has a problem with the Muppets… did it ever occur to her that perhaps most female Muppets are in finance, not trying to keep a failing theater afloat?).

Look, you don’t like it?  Write your own damn story about females who save the world.  Oh, but no – it’s so much easier to bitch about people who didn’t.

But if you did, and the story was good, I would happily read it – but not until after I’ve reread The Hobbit, because I really don’t think you can do any better.  And if I had a son, I would direct him first towards The Hobbit to get him thinking about the kind of man he should grow up into (brave and courageous!).  We have a shortage of men, you see…  plenty of males, but few men among them.  Don’t believe me?  Take a man-on-the-street-poll: how many “guys” these days have a concept of what it means to live a virtuous life?  In other words, have they even considered what it means?  “Virtue?  What the fuck is that?”  “That shit went out with chivalry.”  “Sounds suspiciously anti-woman, doesn’t it?”

*bangs head on desk*

And now you know why this whiny-woman shit pisses me off: women don’t need more examples of women kicking ass for righteous causes – MEN do!  Or,  I mean, males… if they were men, they would already be valiant/brave/courageous and virtuous.

THE END  [of civilization]

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5 Responses to “Where are the Women in Middle Earth?”

  1. You make a great point here. And, yes, there certainly is a shortage of real men today. If you’ve ever seen one of those studies about how contemporary many men would give a place on a lifeboat to a woman if they’d been on the Titanic, it’s absolutely disgusting…

    • In all fairness, in some cases, I might not be able to blame them… But regardless of how coarse and bitchy women are today, men could still step up and be heroic by doing the right thing just because it’s better than being a bunch of pathetic toolish man-children. But what’s that saying… so go the women, so goes the society?

  2. Oh, I LIKE you! Well done!

    My theory – my BELIEF – is that women are just as kick-butt as men, but they don’t put themselves in the front. Instead, they stay back as the last line of defense for hearth and home. Women protect the children, and their job is to stay alive as much as possible while doing it so that they can continue keeping the kids alive later. Men protect the women, and their job is to die if necessary while doing it (though preferably making the other guy die, of course.)

    Remember what Theoden told Eowyn in The Two Towers? She was supposed to protect her people, get the women and children to safety and guide them. She did that, and then moved forward with the men later. Tolkien understood how the hierarchy worked, and had complete respect for women’s inherent badassery. It’s just that he also understood that the man’s job is to do the dying. The man gets the songs because he is making the ultimate sacrifice.

  3. LadyLiberty Says:

    Right on!

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