Archive for December, 2011

Team Bella’s Dad

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on December 2, 2011 by conservativewerewolf

In this, the inevitable Twilight-related post, I discuss what my brain bothered to remember of “Breaking Dawn: Part 1” and why Charlie Swan is the true hero of Twilight.

As a female, I love me some Twilight movie-viewing outings with the girls.  [Hardcore Twilight fans (hereafter “Twihards”) may not appreciate some of my not-so-muted comments, but I haven’t been assaulted yet.]  We watch (because we’re kinda dumb that way), we swoon (don’t hate – the dudes have muscles), and we snicker (because, really, WTF was that?).

I dunno who this douche is, but he needs to get punched in the face in the next movie.


By now, you probably know that socially awkward human teen Isabella Swan has become engaged to the vampire who only wants one thing more than her uniquely delicious-smelling blood: eternal love.  And not the “Oops, I ate the pastor, but it’s cool, we can just shack up in our post-modernist mansion” kind of eternal love, but the (ugly) ring THEN marriage THEN sex kind of eternal love.

Well, fuck, Stephenie, you’ve got me there.  He loves her so much, and recognizes that they’re meant to be, and totally integrates her into his creepy-ass family, most of whom don’t try to kill her, and OMG it’s JUST SO SWEET WHY AREN’T GUYS LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE???

So I watch.

Despite the whole lycans vs. leeches thing (hey man, I don’t discriminate).  And despite Bella’s lack of personality.  And especially despite Breaking Dawn’s characterization by grumbly Internet people as “female pron.”

But now the meat and potatoes: Team Pasty vs. Team Shirtless.  Edward has officially “won” his bride, and poor sad puppy sulks, yet the controversy continues: Wouldn’t someone who doesn’t want to eat people be a healthier choice? Out-of-the-loop-on-the-whole-bloodsucker-thing but sensible Police Chief Swan (Bella’s dad) told her in a previous movie to pick the guy who’s good for her.  But Bella’s a freaking girl, and is in love, and wants to be a vampire, so the question of what is good for her is shluffed aside for the question of “Who the heck is this shell of a person and what does she want to be?”

And that’s where Breaking Dawn picks up.  Bella gets married, and will become a vampire, but wants a honeymoon before she becomes a raging newborn vamp.  That is the plot.

And then there’s the ish with the vamp and wolf side characters, who are infinitely more interesting, drama drama drama, finally some action (outside the bedroom, anyway), and an epilepsy-inducing C-section – which is mostly what sets Breaking Dawn apart from the other movies.  While the book might as well have been published on, the MOVIE actually sort of seems like a horror-movie as it creepily shows that being with the hottie vampire is not such a good thing when you get preggers with a baby that sucks the life out of you.  Or when the only one who initially supports you in keeping your life-sucking baby is the one in-law who doesn’t give two shits about you.  Or when you have to drink blood while still human to stay alive (it’s high in iron).  Or when your baby cracks your spine.   CRRRRACCCKKKK!  Ugh, I hope I don’t have nightmares about that part.

*shakes it off*

OH OR, when the two guys who just helped deliver your baby [this scene, shown from Bella’s perspective, could have been much more gross, so thank you, Mr. Condon], are too busy  being disgusted or enthralled to remember that, in order for you to “live,” you need to be injected with vampire venom before you die.  And you’re dying.  [Seriously, Mr. C – she was in such bad shape, you didn’t have to draw it out to create tension… thankfully, no Twihards threw anything at me when I yelled at the screen.]

But of course, Edward’s venom does save Bella, and he does love the baby as she wanted him to, and she wakes up a vampire, and the werewolves can’t kill the baby because of some technicality, so everything will be hunky-dory in the next movie.

Oh, except Jacob “imprinted” on the baby, which means his life will totally revolve around her, and, as he feared, he’ll probably lose most of his free will because he’ll be anything SHE needs: a friend, a big brother, a diaper changer, a shoulder to cry on, a stroller-pusher, a prom date, a lover, any combination of the previous…

I know, it’s not supposed to be sexual at that point.  It just means they’re like, destined to be together and he knows it and will never want anyone else, and FUCK why does this not happen in real life – I mean, um, I like my men with free will!  Yes.

*slightly conflicted… sorry*

And OH, also, things will not be entirely hunky dory because the Volturi, actual SCARY Italian vampires, are gonna totally fuck with them, after ordering a human-hanger-on-assistant murdered for her poor spelling and grammar (I’m just waiting for the meme to begin).

The next movie, being a movie, will probably feature an epic fight scene, even though the epic fight was only epic in their heads in the book.  Please, next movie, make it cool.  Because I will watch.  Because I’m dumb like that.

But I’m only so dumb.  IRL, who would this female, who actually sort-of finds this series kind of appealing, choose: Edward or Jacob?


Edward is a vampire.  That is not appealing.  He is disciplined, but has many issues.  Yes, by Breaking Dawn he’s learned not to be so dysfuntionally creepy and then distant and then weirdly possessive, but he’d have to be my freakin’ soul mate for me to be willing to wait for him to get over that shit (which is why he’s Bella’s soul mate – that girl is hella weird).

Jacob is just too young.  On his way to becoming manly, but not quite there yet.  Dude needs a little more self respect.  Just sayin’.  He’d be good for Bella, but she’s taken, and he can do better, anyway.  He just needs to figure that out.  OR conveniently imprint on her baby.  Whatevs.

So then who, in the world of Stephenie Meyer’s dreams, does Conservative Werewolf support?

The one normal man*: Bella’s dad.  He has a job that he had to work his way up to.  He owns a house.  He’s not a total wreck without a woman, but doesn’t do his own interior designing (that would be my, I mean, Sue Clearwater’s, job :)).  He’s sensible.  He has a gun.  He can provide food for his family (salary AND mad fishing skills).  He doesn’t let this weird horny guy who hangs around his daughter impress him with a few nice manners – manners are the bare minimum for tolerance! He cares about his daughter’s happiness and doesn’t pitch a fit when she decides to marry the weirdo (who doesn’t have a criminal record, and really does have nice manners).  He wears a uniform and sports a Tom Selleck-esque mustache.  And he doesn’t use all these pluses to become the biggest player in Forks.   Only a man THIS manly could bear the surname Swan with his head held high.

So, there you have it: Bella’s weird and has an awesome dad, who is played by a guy who rocks the ‘stache:

Billy Burke plays this role so straight, you almost forget you're watching some crap vampire romance movie.

*Jacob’s dad is pretty awesome, but he’s more like a tertiary character, and we don’t know much about him.

And there you have it.  A disciplined vampire, a devoted werewolf, and a manly-as-hell cop.  If someone can give me this in a less crappily written story, my friends and I will buy all the books and watch all the movies.  So, go to it!