The Vagina Workshop

is the name of a skit in “The Vagina Monologues” that came to mind when I read this article about a female orgasm workshop at Illinois University. (I am now going to get hits from the weirdest searches…)

You probably didn’t want to know this, but a residence community at the school has scheduled an event that will feature porn star Annie Sprinkle, Ph.D. (the name isn’t real, but the creds are).  She will show her documentary, “’Annie Sprinkle’s Amazing World of Orgasm’ which features interviews with 26 ‘orgasm experts’ and describes itself as a ‘poetic homage to the big O.’”  But wait – there’s more!  There will be student participation!  The event’s organizer stresses participants will be fully clothed, which could mean the same as “mostly clothed” meant about fifty years ago.   God, people were so backward back then, with their fully-covered midriffs.  Oppression!!

We’ll add this to the list of reasons I will never be an Illinois taxpayer.

As for further commentary… I’d just like to ask, is there really a need for this?  And if so, really??

And, on a slightly less ridiculous note:

Where are the Women in Middle Earth?

Oh, they’re there.  Being in charge (Galadriel).  Being inspirational (Arwen).  Being ALIVE, somehow, despite all that Mordor Orc death-dealing crap (all the women, including Hobbit women, like Rosie Cotton).  Being evicted from their homes by a dragon (the Dwarf women who made it out).  Being silverware-thieves (Lobelia Sackville-Baggins).  Being ON A HORSE (Eowyn).

But they aren’t there enough, whines some person who wrote this article for Time: “Tolkien seems to have wiped women off the face of Middle-earth.”

Um, wrong.  I would love to dismiss the entire article for that bit of foolishness alone, but I am so very annoyed by the continuing demands of modern people that women kick just as much physical ass, just as often, as men.

Look, article-author-person, if YOU want to go quest through Orc-infested lands, poop on the ground, and not bathe for weeks, with meeting a CRANKY DRAGON as your goal, be my guest.

Meanwhile, I’ll be chilling in civilization, planning the menu for the return feast, assuming the valiant questers do in fact return with their innards intact.

While I would be honored to fight beside this sexy manly man, I would much rather just make him a sandwich.

It’s not that I couldn’t slay Orcs… but why should I when the men are willing to do it for me?  If I really wanted to, I could make like Eowyn, and you know, just do it.  But I don’t want to.  Most women don’t want to.  Are you really gonna piss on Tolkien for understanding that?

Yes, she is, and not only Tolkien, but every other author/creator who ever wrote an adventure story featuring mainly male characters (she even has a problem with the Muppets… did it ever occur to her that perhaps most female Muppets are in finance, not trying to keep a failing theater afloat?).

Look, you don’t like it?  Write your own damn story about females who save the world.  Oh, but no – it’s so much easier to bitch about people who didn’t.

But if you did, and the story was good, I would happily read it – but not until after I’ve reread The Hobbit, because I really don’t think you can do any better.  And if I had a son, I would direct him first towards The Hobbit to get him thinking about the kind of man he should grow up into (brave and courageous!).  We have a shortage of men, you see…  plenty of males, but few men among them.  Don’t believe me?  Take a man-on-the-street-poll: how many “guys” these days have a concept of what it means to live a virtuous life?  In other words, have they even considered what it means?  “Virtue?  What the fuck is that?”  “That shit went out with chivalry.”  “Sounds suspiciously anti-woman, doesn’t it?”

*bangs head on desk*

And now you know why this whiny-woman shit pisses me off: women don’t need more examples of women kicking ass for righteous causes – MEN do!  Or,  I mean, males… if they were men, they would already be valiant/brave/courageous and virtuous.

THE END  [of civilization]

Reclaiming the Cocktail Party

as a step toward reclaiming the GOP.

Seriously.

Over at Hillbuzz.org, the “Cocktail Party GOP Establishment” is considered “the BizarroWorld nemesis of the Tea Party and stands for everything that Tea Partiers are against.”  It creates an (accurate)  image of obnoxious sparkling elites toasting each other’s awesomeness, while the paradoxically polite rabble gather outside in tacky red, white and blue T-shirts yelling, “But what about the economy?!”

We Tea Partiers are good at the tacky-T-shirt protest, but thus far, not fantastic at successfully integrating into the RINO-led congressional GOP – which is why we need to learn to play their game while (somehow) retaining our souls.

Never having been a politician, I can’t advise elected Tea Partiers on how to gain control of committees, but I CAN advise all of us about how to throw the kind of shindig that will raise our profiles and our neighbors’ “awareness” (Gosh, I’m getting good at buzzword integration!).

“Why bother with such superficiality?” you may ask.

It’s not superficial, that’s why.  There are two purposes to throwing conservative cocktail parties:

1) To make conservatism cool again!*  Are we losing the culture war?  Pssh, why should we care what everyone else is doing?  We’re too cool to get flustered about that.  When the others see how much fun we’re having without them, they’ll want to come to us (which is less tiring than trying to educate them on Facebook.  Don’t tell me you haven’t tried that only to wind up losing faith in humanity).  And yes, they will come.  If you throw an awesome party and invite people from across the political spectrum but DO NOT invite far our leftists, they will get miffed and crash (at least that’s what happened to me.  Maybe it won’t happen to you, but they’ll see the pics on FB and be like, WTF?).

2) To educate others in a chill and fun environment about the logic of conservatism.  And no, we’re not inviting people over to lecture them – we’re just getting a bunch of people who know what’s going on and who like to talk politics together, most of whom will be conservative, some of whom will be libertarian, and some of whom will be some kind of moderate-liberal types who are probably Democrats because their parents raised them on MSM news.  Anyone who can debate (or watch other people debate) whether or not we need the Fed without getting pissy can come.

Very Important Point: Being a good host ranks above changing others’ minds.  If all you accomplish is to convince your friend’s brother’s girlfriend that conservatives aren’t all out to destroy fun and kill women, then you’ve done your job: you’ve made a chink in a previously closed mind.  Wash, rinse, repeat next month.

*I bet you’ve guessed by now that the Conservative Cocktail Party is not some stuffy self-congratulatory wannabe-establishment affair.  You’re right, it’s not: it’s pure modern-retro awesomeness with ties and heels.  How awesome will it be?  That’s up to you, the organizer.  But there are a few essentials:

1) Location.  It can’t be at your mom’s house in a quiet oak-tree shaded neighborhood,  unless you only want the usual crowd to show up.  No.  If you’re in college, throw it at a house near the main drag.  If not, rent out part of a popular bar.  Some bars will cordon off an area that’s visible from the rest of the bar – this is the kind of venue you want.  Conservatives are OUT and PROUD tonight!

2) Limited Exclusivity.  This isn’t only for conservatives, it’s for anyone who wants to come to a conservative cocktail party (namely, our friends and friends of friends and their friends who think, “Meh, it’s free and an excuse to dress up, perhaps ironically, and drink and chat and eat.  Why not?”).  If you’re in college, organize it with the College Republicans or your conservative newspaper (if you don’t have one, START ONE), and extend open invitations to members of other clubs, if you know they have members who can play nicely with others (poli sci orgs, international relations, business majors, etc). Now, to the exclusivity part: The Conservative Cocktail Party is not open to raving lunatic libs.  How you want to weed them out is up to you – or, if you want to let a few in and kill them with kindness, that’s your prerogative as well.  You can friggin’ advertise it in the newspaper if you want (but you MUST have bouncers if you do this.  I speak from experience.  Some people just don’t know how to behave themselves).  But, under no circumstances will you allow guests admittance if they ignore essential rule #3:

3) The Dress Code.  Jacket and tie, gosh darn it.  For women, well, we can figure it out from “jacket and tie” and “conservative cocktail party.”  If you want to take it a step further, give it a theme, such as “The Reagan Era” and go 80s.  That’ll be easy for party-goers because everything old is new again.  You can even take the kitsch up a notch and pass out fake pearls to the ladies and geeky bow-ties or ascots to the men.  Whatever, as long as it’s reasonably classy and fun.

4) Music. Part of the Conservative Cocktail Party’s appeal is nostalgia (remember when gas was under $1 a gallon)?  If your venue allows you control over the tunes, don’t play anything from the current decade.  Whatever you choose must be fun and danceable (I recommend lots of Michael Jackson, especially if you’re doing an 80s theme, or even a “Remember when we could afford shit” theme.  Yeah, remember that?  Way back when Michael was still with us.  He was weird.  But times were good).

5) Do it Again.  And again.  Make it a quarterly event.  If it gets pricey, but it’s popular, ask for a small cover fee.  Throwing one fabulous party isn’t enough to cause a sea change.  You want people to know about the last party and wish they’d gone – and then find out there’s another!  Now, they may want to come  to educate you (lol), so be ready to deflect stupidity with grace and charm.

“Again, why?  Obama won, we lost, we’re all going over a cliff.”  See, THAT’s why you need to throw a series of kickass parties!  Hit the doldrums where it hurts and party ’til they come for your guns!

Potential Objections

“Conservative Werewolf, that sounds like fun for party-type people, but I don’t drink.”

That’s cool, you don’t have to – just don’t spill your ginger ale while dancing like it’s champagne.

“I don’t have any conservative friends.  I am forever alone.”

Join your local Young Republicans – I can almost guarantee you’ll find conservatives there.

“I don’t want to take over the GOP – I want to start a third party!”

Good luck with that.  While waiting for that to happen, throw on a smoking jacket and start an actual party.

“I seriously can’t afford anything right now.”

Convince your friends who can afford things that this is an awesome idea.  And remember, the party doesn’t have to be expensive.  Ask around – someone has to know someone who owns a bar and is pissed at the direction our country is going.  Also, buy your smoking jacket/blazer at the Salvation Army or a thrift store.  And then tell everyone where you got it!  Frugality is in!

There, now you have no reason not to publicly highlight the awesomeness of conservatives and our guiding philosophy.  Go forth and have fun!

The Conservative Cocktail Party is step two in the Conservative Werewolf’s plan to re-normalize conservatism (see: step 1).  Join in and live up to the name Tea Partier!  Or, you know, don’t, and be a loser. ;P

Getting Personal

I hate getting personal with strangers.  What do I do?  Where am I going?  What’s my favorite brand of mac and cheese?  None of your damn business, that’s what/where/which.

But, in the interest of saving my society, which, just from looking around, seems to be going to shit, I’m going to go there and tell you a

deep

dark

secret:

It’s great being fairly brilliant and academic and accomplished, etc., but what I want most is to marry a good man and make him sandwiches.

Also: Fuck you, bitches, feminists and girly men.

Why I bothered writing this: http://angrywhitedude.com/2012/11/women-still-want-marriage-men-not-so-much/

Here’s a Poem

Because I’m literary and shit.  Don’t worry, it’s short and good.

POEM.

Bring Back Blazers

UPDATE: Oh, God – this post is just in time.  0_0;;;

It’s easy to understand why many people did not relate to robot Romney, who was only slightly better programmed than Obama (who has to take his input via teleprompter; Romney, I’m guessing, learned conservative speech via a USB port).

But, one wonders, would a more personable personality have gotten through to people who dress like this?:

or like this?:

I’m not sure, so I’m going to answer that question with another: Why is it that people who dress like shit are winning the “culture” war?

You know what?  If I can’t have a president who doesn’t want to bankrupt the coal industry, I should at least get to have fashion on my side.  Explaining things logically did not work, so Conservatives, here is our new mission: We will somehow cause the androgynous-women-loving gay men of fashion to crush on William F. Buckley, Jr., thereby getting the morons and progs to dress appropriately:

“I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.”

(We’ll tell the hipsters that cutting their damn hair and wearing suits is “ironic.”)

While I will admit I have a soft spot in my heart for plaid flannel, this is not the 90s (dur, look at the prices of everything).  We have serious problems in this country and serious problems require serious attire:

This is what a hippie should look like.

What will this accomplish, you ask?  Not much on its own – it’s only the first step of my multi-step plan to re-normalize conservatism.  Just say no to prog-normativity, and wear your blazer with pride (and pearls)!

Next time: Where to wear your blazer/smoking jacket?  To conservative cocktail parties, of course! (Your pretentious liberal elite friends will LOVE them!  And you will get them drunk and play Reagan speeches while they’re drooling on your couch.  When they awake, the Laffer curve will suddenly make sense to them.)

Microchip = Mark of the Beast?

No, the Conservative Werewolf is not a religious fanatic, or any kind of fanatic, even though she may occasionally refer to herself in the third person.

But you know, I might become one if anyone tries to force me to carry a tracking device.  I’ve committed no felonies, and the fur doesn’t make me a dog.  Unfortunately, it seems some young humans are being confused with canines at a school district in San Antonio, where they’re being forced to carry tracking devices on their person while at school.

One high school student says she finds the chip analogous to the Mark of the Beast, and doesn’t want to carry it.  Teachers and administrators have reportedly  responded by bullying her, even going so far as to prevent her from voting for homecoming king and queen, even though she has a school-issued ID.

But that’s not the worst of it!  Her parents have tried to get the school to make an exception for her, based not only on civil liberties, but also on religious freedom [Yeah, I gotta remember that Mark of the Beast thing. "I'm sorry, but your bullshit is against my religion!"] – however, that’s not going so well.

WND reported that Lone-Star statist superintendent Ray Galindo told her parents something to the effect of:

“If she is allowed to forego the tracking now, he continued, it could only be a matter of time before the school signs off on making location-monitoring mandatory and the repercussions will be more than just revoking voting rights for homecoming contests.”

Which illustrates the power one person can have.  Yes, the school will hit back harder, but really, how much can they do?  They cannot by law refuse any student an education.  So, they’ve issued a vague threat [no popularity contests for you!] and a specific one: making mandatory chip-wearing OFFICIALLY mandatory (if it’s not mandatory already, why can’t she opt out?).   This is pathetic!

Just think – if this disturbingly authoritarian pushback is how they respond to one student, they must be DESPERATE to keep her in line, lest other students follow her example and bring the whole system down!

Oh, and check THIS threat out:

“I urge you to accept this solution so that your child’s instructional program will not be affected. As we discussed, there will be consequences for refusal to wear an ID card as we begin to move forward with full implementation,” Galindo continued.

So her “instructional program” will not be affected?  What does that mean, that they’ll use bureaucratic BS to put her in classes that aren’t the best for her if she doesn’t comply?  I’d like to see Galindo explain to a judge just WTF that means.

And Galindo will have to do just that, considering this kind of civil rights issue is what the ACLU is all about, right? Especially considering Galindo not only flat-out tried to trade the family’s silence for cooperation, completely disregarding their right to free speech, but also requested they become puppets for the man:

“The girl’s father, Steve Hernandez, tells WND that the school has been somewhat willing to work with the daughter’s demands, but insists that her family “would have to agree to stop criticizing the program” and start publicly supporting it.”

Oh, the ACLU must be ALL over this!  Right?

Wrong:

“Rebecca Robertson of a local branch of the organization said, “the ACLU of Texas will not be able to represent you or your daughter in this matter,” saying his daughter’s case in particular fails to meet the criteria they use to pick and choose civil liberties cases to take on.”

I’d love to see their criteria list.  But whatever – this just shows you can’t depend on the ACLU (bunch of commies* anyway, so who cares?): the folks in charge there don’t seem to find this kind of authoritarianism concerning.  And you can’t depend on school administrators to do what’s best for the kids, because administrators are people managers, and people who like to manage other people should probably be in therapy.

Screw forced schooling.  If there’s such a problem with truancy, the kids obviously don’t see any benefit in going to your schools.

“But Conservative Werewolf!  If those kids don’t get an education, they won’t be able to get good jobs, and they’ll end up selling crack on the street!  Then we’ll have to pay for their provided attorneys and their stays in prison!  Wouldn’t it be better to buy them breakfast, lunch and textbooks now than to have more violence later?”

And there you have it- the true purpose of mandated schooling: Making the people manageable!  Hey, you said it, I didn’t.

Look, I want all kids to have a good education.  But over the years that we’ve forced kids to attend state-run schools, the levels of education needed to get good jobs have increased.  A high school diploma barely means shit anymore.  These kids could be working to support their families, which is probably what many of them are doing instead of spending a decade learning how to write essays.  While proper and effective punctuation use does make me feel all warm and fuzzy, I’d rather kids learn that in a few years when they’re tiny and get on to more useful pursuits.

And yes, plenty of kids just wanna goof off.  And maybe they’ll end up in jail – but that’s a topic for a whole other post.

But in the meantime, we have an authoritarian school system that isn’t meeting the needs of our kids and young adults, and is resorting to microchips to deal with a truancy problem, instead of radically revamping the schools to make them worth going to for kids other than those who plan to go to college [and whether or not college is worth it... again, another post].

Don’t put up with this shit.  The country will not collapse if students don’t wear trackers that didn’t exist twenty years ago.  And as for education?  Well, what the hell did people do before forced education?

Well, some of them built the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Maybe now others can restore it.

*This is only sort of hyperbolic. The ACLU was founded by Stalinist Roger Baldwin, whose goal was to Soviet-ify the United States of America.  Today’s ACLU may not be full of Communists, but it’s worth keeping an eye on.  Any collection of statists is.